Touching me toes

The problem with all this the gym regime I'm doing, apart from buffing up a treat for the ladies, I've found, is the amount of sweat I can produce, there's bucket loads of it, and not just at the gym either, but afterwards, sitting at my desk, for hours like, sweat trickling down my back; nightmare and it's probably because I is one unfit fecker. One side effect of this, I found the other day, was a large spot down me crack...Ouch, I thought as I was towelling myself off in the gym shower the other morning, hello, what's this?...That evening, like a teenager exploring his body for the first time, I found myself squatting over a mirror, trying to look at my boil or spot on my bum, but unlike a teenager, my middle-aged body found ways to confound me as I moved from the squatting position to the bed and hiked my legs over my head, and peered through the gap at the mirror I was holding over my hole. It woulda been easier, it's true, to call the missus and give her the job, but I'm not a gay and would've felt far too weirded out bending over for her.
This morning as I took my morning constitutional and wiped me erse, Bingo! a loada blood soaked the tissue, I musta lanced the fucker...well, I'm hoping it was that and not, like, anything else, or I really will be touching me toes in front of the missus asking her opinion.