Saturday morning, August bank holiday

Saturday morning, August bank holiday in Ware. Quality bad because I recorded this on mobile, blue-toothed its ass onto the PC then uploaded onto Google, but I just wanted to see how this could be done.

August bank holiday

Just hanging about until it's time to go to, get this, my sisters, mates, daughters' kids christening! people I've never met before....ah well, gives us something to do I suppose....
That was yesterday, we all bundled into the car and went to west Herts, found the church, did the business, went to reception party, had 2 pints and left. Baptisms have to be my worst Christian ceremony I reckon, kids and Catholics, do you blame me? - give me a good funeral anyday. The priest is always, like, THANKYOU all for coming, it's lovely to see the church full for once etc...silly old wanker, or wanktress as it turned out, didn't know birds could do catholic baptisms but I've not bothered to keep up with modern day Christian etiquette so, like, whatever. Deadly dull in any sex. And typically with my sisters mates, I was steeling myself for the first "Hi Steve, blimey you've put on weight.." Salvo and sure enough, 20 minutes in, little Billy, saddled up to me and did the time honored routine...sigh...dunno why these people think it's ok to have a pop at me everytime they see me, it's not like I go Oh hullo little billy, you've lost more hair, or Hi so-n-so jesus! you're looking rough, or Wotcha wussisname, Christ state of that dress/suit or whatever and you know why I don't do that? apart from fear of being bottled/stabbed? - it's because I have enormous respect/fear for these people no! I'm too damn polite, that's why...ah well, it makes them feel good about themselves to take swipes at me, so I let them, just nod, say yeah yeah..y'know?

I gave my nephew my bike at the weekend, his needs were greater than mine, but when i took off the child seat I didn't stop to think it would probably be the last time I ever have a smasher on it - another part of my life gone. This was me last summer when i was unemployed and had nothing better to do than cycle about the tow paths and countryside with a smasher onboard to kill time 

A little bit of...toast

It’s the morning of her fathers 70th birthday and she’s downstairs making me my cuppa tea and toast. I’m lying in bed thinking, Christ, how long does it take to make a cuppa tea? So, needing a piss anyway, I go down and investigate. I find her in the kitchen alright, but busy preparing a dish for her dad’s birthday tea for later that day, meanwhile my toast lay un-buttered and un-marmited on a plate. So, I go over to it, touch it and sure enough it’s stone cold. Fuck this, I think, and throw it in the bin.
Oi!! She says, that’s your toast, I ain’t doing you anymore and she stands there glaring at me as I explain to her that:
A: I don’t like eating cold toast of a morning, or indeed at any time of the day
B: Cold toast doesn’t soak up butter and marmite, it just kind of sits on top of the toast, sort of smeared on, which is deeply unpleasant to look at and to taste.
Do it again, I say, and this time butter immediately after it pops out of the toaster. I’m not wrong or bad here am I? I am right to insist on this point aren’t I? Fine, I said as I retreated back upstairs, do your dad’s tea thing, but do it after you’ve done my breakfast, one thing at a time yeah?
I ended up doing it myself of course, she's a stubborn cow and fished the cold toast out of the bin, buttered and marmited it, and fed it to the smashers.

Our survey said...

I saw this the other day on the BBC news site:
A woman's sex drive begins to plummet once she is in a secure relationship, according to research…
Tell me something I don’t already know I thought, as I read on
Researchers from Germany found that four years into a relationship, less than half of 30-year-old women wanted regular sex.

Uh-huh I thought, s’about right…where can I get hold of this report? I’d like to buy it and shove it under the missus nose. Here! I’d yell, here’s your proof!! God damn you, I knew it! I knew my, as my missus calls it, my waiting-time-so-when-we-do have-it-it’s-extra-nice periods were getting longer and longer. Still, we are regular; much more so than her mates wives husbands I am reassured and in the weeks in-between I like to catch up with other things and thank my lucky stars I’m a married man at all.

I hear that the next lot of research will be something along the lines of, well, yeah men’s libido stays the same and they can’t get any action at home, so they play away and they end up divorced and whaddya know yada yada yada. Jeeez

Check it, the BBC have indexed it under mens health!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4790313.stm

Junk

So, back at work after a week off, dreading it, but it was ok in the end, seems things have turned around again and things are back on track but I wont hold my breath. On Friday I met up with some so-called mates in the east end, some Smokey old booza filled with the scum of the east end; Christ knows why we all met here, originally I thought it was because it was near Brick lane and so near a curry house, but after downing the 4th pint and we set off, I realised how wrong I was. A mile or so later, and nearing Bow, we walked into a Kebab house without a license, this it? I asked, yeah says so-called mate; they do a nice curry here! So do the 20 or so curry houses we passed along the way I said…typical me, always moaning, and why not, these people give me the right hump sometimes…mind you, the curry was nice. I left them to it back in the old Smokey pub; my lungs couldn’t take another onslaught.

The weekend was a bit of a wash-out, I couldn’t help smiling to myself thinking of another so-called mate cycling around the south coast this weekend, Oh, joy of joys thinking how wet and miserable he must be! Well, he’d think the same way if the situation were reversed. The family wandered into town Saturday to get supplies for our DVD weekend-fest, crisps, doughnuts, and dips with salsa sauce…hmmmmm salsa sauce! And popcorn; felt bad eating all this junk, but like, what else could I do? Nanny McFee and Zorro were the family entertainment, all wrapped up in our duvets with the heating on! Wonderful.

I wanted a picture of our Nissan Tino, under a tree on Exmoor but the bloody wee smasher had to get in the picture! still, you can make out the tino right? under the tree, see? 

7am Breakfast time, check out the smashers welly boots under the table, that's to protect his feet from the glastonbury like experience that is the rest of the campsite 3 feet from our table. tuck in lads and look bloody happy! You're on hol-i-day!! 

Postcard from the edge

Postcard to father, dated Sunday 30th July 2006:
Father,
Last night North Devon experienced the worst storms in living memory. The rain rushed down the valley and washed our tent away! We had to swim for our lives; luckily I am a strong swimmer, so was able to save myself easily enough but the wife and smahers were swept out to sea. We were all re-united the next day, you’ll be pleased to hear, after they were discovered on some rocks on the Isle of Lundy, out in the Bristol channel.
Atmosphere, in newly erected tent, frosty.


We are camping again.