We wuz Robbed!!!

Robbed, I tells ye...Ah well, of all the pre-match predictions, no one, not one soul said "...you know what, knowing England and given it's an international tournament and considering it's a crucial stage, I predict it'll go to penalties.And we'll loose....Just like we always do..."

Beckham and Henman should train together, Henman'll show Becks how to hit the Net and Becks can show Henman how to avoid it!...

Off to Zante tomorrow, mebbe the sun and sea...notice I've not said, sex, will help...mebbe

Period stains

So, I went to the wedding yesterday, great day seeing the happy couple tie the knot, then down the boozah by the river for champers and Kroni! Dave did his mates proud, digging deep for the boys! One of the guests there, some scouse nurse had a period groin stain on her strides, very embarrassed she was, especially so when I kept mentioning it to her, well, I had to innit?…Group photo of her and her mates, me taking the picture shouting for her to remove the plant she had placed in front of her, “…I cannae see the stain love, move the plant will ya!…”
Groping my way thru the evening, lusting after anything in a skirt, or trousers for that matter, but I do it in a lovable rogue sorta way, everyone loves me and thinks I’m great, so that’s ok then…non-threatening, is just Steve acting the pratt

Yes, I was very very drunk by the end of play.

Watched the match of course, then got train to…er…well, Highbury I think, no..wait…yes! then a bus, then a cab home….Keeeeer-ching!! I say to the cabbie, s’up to you mate, but I wanna go to Hertford…he say, hop in!! and £60 later I is home. This morning, slightly jaded.

Versus

Watched Versus last night, some Japanese horror/action film, my god, what total crap! I mean, for fucks sake, the reviews! I'm thinking, might be fun, but over-acting-no-plot-rip-off bullshit a film it does not make. Mind you, the lead actor's rather sexy, interestingly he's Asian/Euro looking, in the same way they used to Animate "Battle of the Planets" to make them all look wide eyed European/American...Tried to stay up for Big Brother, after 2 years giving it a wide birth, I've actually got into this one, wonder why?...mebbe it's because the birds in it keep getting their kit off?...nah.

I get home last night and the missus has booked her Optimax appointment!...I tell her, dunt do it! it's dangerous!!..you may go blind, dunt expect me to look after you if you do, I'm not carrying yir white stick etc...all the shit she said to me in other words last year.

You stay now

Had a wicked Stag do, puking, shitting, arguing, falling asleep on the train home!…no, wait, all those things correct, but for all the wrong reasons…

I get to the rendezvous early and sink a pint, people start arriving and I’m on another, but I’m aware that I’m not actually finishing them, I try a glass of wine, but that’s worse, my stomach feels bloated, bile is rising in my throat, I badly feel I need a dump but am all blocked up, yes, I’m flagging so I try a coke, but no good, I'm on the edge of everyones conversation, not in the middle of any, people are moving away from me....time to bite the bullet and tell Dave that I’m gonna have to bail out and leave them to their steak meal…then all hell breaks loose:

Noooo!!!…you gotta stay Steeeeeve, You can’t leave!!!
…But Dave mate, I feel awful, lemme go home, I cannae drink owt, cannae eat owt and cannae talk to anyone I feel so bad…
No Steve, you stay now…

Christ, in the end I leave, feeling terrible of course that I’m bailing but glad cause anymore and I’ve thrown up…Now, of course I’m in the dog house, but whatever I had, I still have, off work today, diarrhoea rampant…one good thing, if it stays I’ll loose some weight, so there’s summat to look forward to.
Also, Saturday, missus mums “summer/xmas garden party” fuck knows, stayed 2 hours, bored. Left. Sunday, footie at home, no beers!!!…we lost.

Claire and I are deeply in luff

Fridays round here are like the Maria Celeste I tell ya, just me in so far, mind you, it's still only 7:30am...Just been to the Gym, still not missed a day yet, 5Km on the bike, some weights, sit ups and 6 lengths of the pool, it's gotta be working...surely. Tonight will be booze free as I'm up early for a bit of overtime, then off up the road to the missus mothers summer party for a couple of hours, then off into town to me mates "stag-steak-do" few pints by the river in the very pub he and his future wife fell head-over-fucking-heels-in-luff....it's all gonna be him..."oh, this is the very seat me and Claire fell in luff..." and "....and then I ordered some nuts and a G&T for her, while we gazed into each others eyes..." bloody hell, makes me sick just thinking about it!...Might bail out if he gets too sissy. Sunday, more overtime and footie I suppose, dig me England tee-shirt out, stick a cross of St George flag in me bedroom window box. nice. classy.

It's as hot as my PANTS!

Jesus, it's warm out today, luckily I am "working from home" today so I can slip out every now and then to soak up some rays in the garden. We bought a large inflatable pool a while back, takes fucking ages to fill, but now it's at it's max, and the boys can float about it in and when daddy gets in too, it's whoa!!! tidal wave coming!!...ahaha, love working from home I do.
Got a call from the carpet place, a while ago I asked fro a quote for a Jute rug, gave then some made up measurements, 2 metres by 3, £250 please sir!!...Jesus, fuck that, went home, got the real measurements and phones them in, much less than previous dimensions see, £275 please sir!!! WHAT!! How the fuck can it be MORE money with less rug?..Oh, lemme get back to the suppliers, Crucial carpets or summat, and call you back…meanwhile the missus ears have pricked up, no way am I forking out that kinda money for a rug, we dunt need!!..I say, we’ll see, and any-fucking-way it’s MY money and if I want a £300 rug, I’m having one damnit!….right, back out to the sun and pool.

I'm a Kent

You ever get to a party, or, oh, I dunno, a campsite mebbe only to realise you’ve made the biggest mistake of your life and need to turn round instantly and go home, but don’t, and stay…hmmmm well, I had one of those last weekend, when we descended onto our 5 star, yes, five star rated, campsite in Kent. Saturday morning we get there after a 2 hour drive, bikes firmly hitched to the back of the car, oh, sorry no cycling on site I’m afraid!…oh…ok, where’s our pitch then?…Oh, right over there, by the busy A290, fine, not over the other side of the campsite then?…no….It’s only for a coupla nights Steve, let’s just enjoy ourselves for christsake!….

I could go on, cataloguing everything that’s wrong with the site, the 11:00am opening of the onsite shop, the endless rows of trailers, filled with geriatrics, and trailer trash; the 2 shower toilet block, the “club house” filled with massive bellied ignorant, loud mouthed cockneys, too pleased with themselves to get out of the way at the bar, the stage mums, Sally Webster types, 4x4 drivers the lot of them, at the front of the stage on Karaoke night, mouthing the words along with their darling daughters who screech out endless, ear-splitting, American twanged, chalk-on-chalk board sounding, dire takes on their favourite pop tunes, encouraging the Karaoke DJ’s to turn down the backing tracks in order to let their daughters “singing” come through all the more audibly. Jesus.

Actually, it isn’t an indictment on the campsite, oh no; it’s an indictment on England generally! And I hate it, and I hate them! At Diggerland, all the mums wore cropped tops, midriff showing, g-string showing, camouflage trousered, two-tone haired, Posh-spiced sun glasses and all the men, post ironic mullets or mohicans, Beckam shades, tattoos, three quarter length strides, I mean, fucksake! Talk about OK magazine inspired sheep, so much so that when a real life celeb showed up, Kirsti from Ground Force, no one recognised her, as she wasn’t glam enough, didn’t arrive in a 4x4 like everyone else, fuck me, nouveau riche makes my blood boil more than white trash yob scum or hurrah henrys do!!
Any-hoo, here’s some pics..