Bank Holiday innit

Bank holiday weekends, feel like I’m going a bit stir crazy actually, luckily, today is my last day at home, after 5 days here, tomorrow I go back to work, and I cannae say I’m all that sorry. Any-hoo, here’s how it panned out like…
Friday, did my bottle of wine allocation in one evening, but woke up Saturday in fine fickle so we all went into town for a wander, trying desperately to stay out of the pubs. The rest of the day passed by peacefully enough.
Sunday went to Brent Pelham’s country show, somewhere in the heart of Hertfordshire and I wished I’d stayed at home; full of Hooray Henry’s and inbred locals. The event was staged at the back of hunting dog kennels for fuck’s sake! And the proceeds went to the Countryside Alliance…not a good combination all in all.Monday, up early for work would you believe, on a bloody bank holiday, then to the local pool for some family swimming, followed by an afternoon nap then some sun bathing in the garden, it could be worse I suppose…

Nige, on his holiday, just about to burp...he sent this to me, or i received it anyway, Saturday night, about 10:30pm via a secure link and I'm thinking, mate! he's sending me some home made porn from his flash new mobile phone, of him and his soon to be wife!...how wrong I was though, how very very wrong

impromptu biscuit eating

I dunno, I’ve wished August away, and good riddance, I think it must’ve rained every day this month. Why am I wishing the month away? Well, this time next week, I’ll be getting ready to head off to Heathrow and from there Riga, Latvia, for me mates’ stag weekend. I’m terribly excited of course, new exotic landscapes, city, people, new food, art galleries, museums…oh, the whole thing! Not that I’ve any money for this adventure, I’m totally broke, as always, but there you go, I is doing this for me mates, they come first in my book.

Right now I’m at home, working, and won’t return to the office till Wednesday, this is great of course, if it wasn’t for the waft of poo I can smell from the smashers nappy I’m being assaulted with as he crawls under my legs and onto the computer table tray, why the missus doesn’t sort this out is anyone’s guess, I suppose I’ll just have to put up wit hit for now.

Also, being at home means two other things, I’ll be tempted to eat and snack more and I’ll not be able to hit the gym! Me mats will be pulling away from me on the GIPS stakes if I don’t show enormous self control and keep away from the biscuit barrel and do some impromptu sit and press-ups instead. Wish me luck, track my progress

Raod show

It's funny how, changing your diet, can effect your mood, your behaviour and the the mood and behaviour of the people around you, people close to you, isn't it? A personal choice that I'm making, is having an impact on my family.

Take Saturday morning for example, there was I, fresh as a daisy from not drinking the night before...Off we head into town, me to buy some sweet potato's the missus forget to buy the day before, the kids to the library for a reading test. Lunchtime and the missus said, let's have a drink in Jacoby's, the trendy bar in the town square.They had like a road show thing going on, giving away free tee-shirts and balloons and playing music, so very nice entertainment, in the sun, as we sipped some beers...2 in fact. The missus then suggested we go home, fair enough say I, but let's go to Tesco first to pick up some wine, Oh no Steve, don't, you're doing so well, don't spoil it....But I was on a mission, and I ended up carrying out a 1.5 litre bottle of white wine...to drink over the next few days I assured the wife...

Well, to cut a long and rather dull story short, I polished off the bottle that evening, had an argument with the missus that night, over, I dunno, control, weakness and so on, sulked all day Sunday, the missus taking the smashers out alone, leaving me to stew in my own juices, cross with myself for being a pratt...and for what? all for trying, and failing, to loose some weight. I duuno, any-hoo, check the results.

Moments in time

I went out with a girl once, years ago, who was in a long term relationship with her boyfriend (this is important to note here) but she liked playing away with me, and who could blame her?...anyway, I'll always remember one morning, about 5:30am I wake up and start on her, and before you could say "fuck me what time is it?" we're at it like a couple of horney stuuuuudents that we were...Afterwards, her panting and covered in a sheen on sweat, me staring out of the window, searching for the cab I ordered for her, she's totally overwhelmed with us doing it at that time of the day, she just couldn't get her head around the fact that she was woken up, still dark outside, for some sex...But I'm like, so what, I'm a man, you're a women, I'm naked, so are you...like, what's not to "get"??

Funny how these things come back to you isn't it?..Last night, I'm awake, 4:00am, listening to the rain lash the road outside and I sneeze the teeniest weeniest of sneezes, hardly making a noise in fact, but the missus, still said "bless you" and I said "thanks"...The missus, clearly as wide awake as I am....Something flashed across my brain, she's a women, naked, I'm a man, also naked but instead of trying on anything sexual, I'm thinking back to that cold student morning, having an epiphany moment with an ex-girlfriend from 16 years ago...

Wickers War - christ! I'm off to bed!

I still haven’t managed to work out how I can tape one programme and watch another, well, not true, I did work it out, but the NTL box broke and it’s replacement has thrown me…Last night, the missus, off to work for a spot of overtime, asked me to tape the gymnastics on BB2, so being the dutiful husband, I set it all up, let it run, and retired upstairs to watch the portable. Terrestrial TV being what it is these days, I soon found myself totally bored, and in no mood for self-pleasuring, so at 9:00pm I set the alarm and went to bed. At least it stopped me eating anything else…check it.

The ripple effect

The weekend started poorly, well, good really in that I managed to stay off the booze on Friday night! by 9:30pm, bored shitless I went to bed, I think it was still light outside. Saturday, up for some overtime work, then into town for some shopping. Mate called, fancy a pint?...weak as I am, I agreed and an hour later I found myself in the garden of a pub. By the time he arrived the missus and I had demolished a bottle of wine and I was well on my way to the land they call drunk. The mate stayed on the shandy, but I ploughed on. Home via Tesco's for a 3 litre box of wine, classy I am. By the time I went to bed, I was well gone, I think we watched a film at some stage, Evelyn with Pierce Brosnan, shite I think. Sunday, hungover. stayed indoors all day, eating and drinking plenty of fluids. groan. I've logged most of my eating on u are wot u eat. check it.

You live with yir Mama?!

No, she lives with ME!...oh, the Simons, we love it in our house I tell ya, the missus goes out to work and me and the boys settle down to watch our favourite show, reciting the words together, as we've watched all the episodes dozens of times, well, all the ones bloody Sky One broadcast over and over.

Last night, as I'm tucking the elder smash into bed, I'm saying.."You live with yir Mama?!"...and he says,..."No!...she lives with Me!"...he then pauses and says, "we should stop saying that together now daddy", and I'm like, oh, why?...and he says, "'cos, you know what you say about milking the joke?" ...ah yes...out of the mouths of babes eh? my son now finds me boring, or my feeble attempts of humour and bonding boring...not to worry though, there's plenty more Simons quotes left to inflict on him, then I can move onto Fawlty Towers, Python, Black Adder...

A girlfriend I had once said that I hadn't really got a sense of humour, I just thought I did because I quoted TV a lot...a little unfair that I thought at the time, this from the same girlfriend who, when I asked her if she'd consider going back to her ex if he ever came back into her life, she said, yes! in a heartbeat!!...but I think I'm digressing...or regressing....or...fuckit we are the knights that say "Ni"..a-ha!!...ahahahaha.....oh

U are wot U eat

I've decided, inspired by the channel 4 program u are what u eat, to catalogue everything I'm eating and drinking! Why you might ask? Why Steve, when you've no need to like...well, yesterday this fat cow and her husband laid everything they've eaten that week, and I was shocked and appealed! No wonder, I said to the missus, they is so fat, hmmm, says she, I bet we eat that much too, if it was all laid out like!...

Stupid bitch, I thought, but it got me thinking. Here am I with my bird like appetite, gym everyday, and unable to shift a pound, an ounce even!...mebbe, just mebbe there's something to this "diet" lark thing...Speaking to me mate about it, we decided to list everything we eat, but because that's gonna be so boring, we decided to create a blog for ourselves principally...anyone vaguely interested in what I shove done my throat...steady ladies...and go here

Yeah, like...WhatEVER!!

After all the palaver, all the arranging, begging and scheming we finally had our night out. I walked from Kentish Town, arrived very hot and sweaty, my tee-shirt ingrained with dried sweat, nice...but showed how committed I was to this project, right?...5 people showed up, one left after first pint, a BBQ he got invited to and accepted AFTER confirming he'd spend the evening with us, whatever.
Then another left, too tired. whatever.
The a third left, wife wanted him home early. whatever.
Had 2 txt messages while there, can't make it, bla bla bla crap....crap, excuses...whatever.

I tell ya, why do I bother? seriously, What's the point? Well, it's the last time I do, I know that much...
So, the 3 remaining headed off to a dodgy strip bar, totally crap, expensive, smokey and grim. I left 3 hours later.

Saturday, went to see old college mate, who now lives in Salisbury, very nice time I had too, lovely 5 bed house, 2 garages...where did I go wrong?...Sunday, drove home after wander round the cathedral

Star date - 06/08/2004

Tonight I go drinking!...It feels like it's been a real journey getting here this time. Usually it's a right pain getting everyone together, but this time it's been a nightmare...Let me explain...

So, mostly this year we've been meeting and drinking in Holborn, it's sort of central for most people and there's plenty of pubs; this time I decided we'd all meet up in "The Enterprise"...Now, excuuuuse me for taking advantage of the pubs name to generate a bit of fun in sending out invitations, but the response I got was, at best muted and at worse, down right hostile! Examples of some of the better replies, the ones who kept it real, kept in character damnit!..

From me, the Original email:

Everyone, Captain on the Bridge! Set your faces to stun! because it's about
time to tried this again, Friday 6th Aug at The Enterprise in Holborn.5:30pm
onwards...

Response:

To - boldly - get a life Steve, but not as we know it....

And:

Beam me up, Captain, and I'll cling-on to the least Vulcan looking
appendages (ears, I mean)! C u there

And:

Yeah, beam me up! I'm setting my phaser to 'fun'... erm... it's a night out
jim, but not as we know it... ummm... errrr.....now my brain hurts.

Then, oh no! not only do I have to mail the core members to arrange a suitable date, I then have to go away and sort a babysitter. Usually the in-laws do it, or my sister, or if needs be, the wife'll take a holiday or a sickie, but not this time, no. This time, NO ONE would cancel their holidays for me, or break an engagement, or go "sick" bastards! So, with a weary heart, I sent out the following:

Captains log - Star date 26/07/2004 - update
Following a probe sent out to ascertain availability of friendly babysitters to guard hostile babies on Star date 06/08/2004. I have to tell you now, that the data received back is not good news. The Captain must, reluctantly, stay onboard the ship and let the away team venture down onto the planets surface without him. I will be in communication range throughout the evening. Good luck everyone!
Captain Steve "T" D'Arcy

And then the rot seemed to set in, without their Captain, all seemed lost:

Captain D'Arcy. Lieutenant Cass here. Will also have to abandon mission due to unforeseen activity in Quadrant 5 of the Derbyshire Galaxy. Needed to entertain restless natives.

And

I can't hold her! She's breaking up, she's breaking up...

Duh-nur-nur-nur, dur nurnur nurnur nurnurnurnurnuuuur. Gotta go camping that weekend I'm afraid chaps. My one, last, desperate chance of some kind of poxy holiday this year.

And:

Hi Captain

Apologies for this late communication, have only just left the "Barbados" capsule and am now trapped in the "38th Wedding Anniversary" capsule which has been programmed to overshoot the Holborn area and land in Worcester Park on Friday, 6th August 2004.

Unfortunately, I do not have the appropriate clearance to override the programme, so will sadly have to miss this important meeting. Hope to change capsules for next time.

And:

Hey! That reminds me. How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three! A left ear, a right ear and a Final Front'ear'!...Oh yeah, and Scotty the Engine'ear'.
That'll be four then....Sorry i can't make it.

But, Oh joy of Joys!! the brother-in-law came through for me and agreed to babysit!...so, finally, I sent this:

Now here this! Attention all decks!...please disregard previous communication!! The captain WILL be beaming down to the planet's surface after all, REPEAT The captain WILL be beaming down to the planet's surface after all.
Stand down red alert.
Captain Steve "Luc" D'Arcy

....yeah, so...that's all right then...see you all in there tonight...Captain Out.

Chessington, chessington, chessington Zoo..

Yeah, Monday we went to chessington zoo, that's right...nice day, bloody expensive, a long way to get to, but hey! it's for the kids...and at the weekend, we had, I think, our very first BBQ of the year...check it

Raw Chicken

There are some things in the universe I find very reassuring, I’m sure most do, the way day follows night; winter follows autumn; gay men having style and so on. One thing, in my life, that’s a guarantee, and I’m talking about a cast iron, 100% guarantee here, is that when I’m doing the washing up, which is every day, following a dinner involving chicken, you can bet your life, my missus will, at some stage, shout over to me..
”make sure you give everything a GOOD scrub, IT’S HAD RAW CHICKEN on it!”

Now some people might find this incredibly irritating, some people might tighten their grip on their washing-up cloth and grind their teeth but not me, no…I find this reassuring, all’s well in my universe…all’s well