Time off for stuff

I had a couple of days off at the end of last week. Thursday the missus and I took the smashers to the Science museum and my god, the tube was packed! nightmare with me and the buggy, people looking at me and baby smash with a mixture of loathing and envy, loathing because the buggy was in their way and envy because I have a large knob and obviously know how to use it, like those "baby on board" stickers people have on their cars...Look at me!! I can produce kids!! etc. Either that or because I had hold of the buggy therefore resonsible for taking up space..

The museum was almost as mobbed, not enough lifts, lots of humping of buggy up and down child unfriendly stairs....sigh....still, the kids learnt a lot I reckon, like how much a family tube pass costs, how bad tempered mummy and daddy can get, how ignorant most people are and that museums are as dull as they've ever been.
My god, it's been years since I last went, 1985, mebbe before that, I dunno...of course me and me mates used to go to pick up birds, serious, for whatever reason young teenagers used to go there to meet. Never worked of course but the osmosis effect must of done me some good educationally like.

Friday, waited in for the plumber and bath-panel-man, both failed to show of course, I mean why should they, they only promised to, after all and these days that means nothing does it?...Still, caught up with some reading while the missus took the smashers to toddler group and coffee group meetings. When she came back, she was convinced the plumber had been, knocked but went away while I was in the bog...couldn't you hold it in?...I bet he's been and gone!!...this from a women who GOES OUT BUYING BREAD when the plumber called round, as promised, a few days before...hmmm. Think we'll dump him as our preferred plumber though, if he hasnae already dumped us like, and find us someone else...mebbe an eastern European if we can find one.

Saturday I selfishly took the smashers up the Luton to pick up my sister to go shopping while the missus got on with some tiling. Shopping, Luton....I kid you not, my god, either there's been an influx of Muslims in the last few years or they've all got politised on us, nearly all the females were hijabed-up and they sure weren't like that 10 years ago, I know, I've been in and out of the Arndale centre for almost 20 years now.

Sunday, stayed in. too cold. the weather prediction this week - it's gonna be cold and it's gonna be long. (shudder)

Doggy style

Finally got me valentine shag last night, on the sofa of course, started off with some mutual...well, let's not go into details, suffice to say she enjoyed every minute of it...did I say minute just now?...any-hoo, guess what we were watching while doing da business?....jeeeez, why do I say these things?...Faking it on channel 4. All about Dog Training. yes.

Nip/Tuck

The much-hyped Jake 2.0 and 24 started on Sky One last week. OK I thought, gotta be worth a looksee, makes a change from The Bill and DIY SOS anyway, right?…hmmm well, wrong actually.

To be honest I gave up half way through last seasons 24 when it was on BBC2 Sunday nights…it just began too silly when Kim was being chased by wild cats, mad woodsmen, and fuck knows who else. This time I managed half way through episode one…I turned over when we see Kim sitting in her fathers office playing computer expert, remember last season she was a nanny!…sooooo…how does that work then?…No! cannae be ased figuring it out. Switch to BBC3’s Top 50 Cultural Movers And Shakers, where Vivian Westwood was described as the planets bravest person! Bravest mind you, not the most creative or anything, no bravest! Christ, what world do these people inhibit? I’m braver than she is…I am you know.

Before all that I had to, just had to, try Jake 2.0 and well, I dunno, I think I’m not gonna like it. For a start it’s a little too cliché Jake has a boss, the boss is Black…and she’s female…Jake has a doctor to monitor him, she’s beautiful, but wears glasses right, to show she ain’t dumb or summat…sigh….Why do US programme makers insist on hiring black actors to fill, periphery but authoritative roles? Judges, police lieutenants, lawyers etc when
A: They only make up 11% of the US population so why not use Hispanic actors instead whose population is far larger?
B: It’s a load of wishful thinking bullish and everyone knows it?
When I see that I just want to turn off because it’s just insulting to black people and to my liberal middle class sensitivities…but I stuck at it nonetheless but fear I may not too many times again.

Best of the bunch so far? Nip/Tuck it’s great, it really is....yes...christ, I wish I had a life, I really do.

The cats pyjamas

So, Friday evening, while the missus made my tea and to get out from under her feet, I took myself and elder smash to the boozah, me local like and as we approached the busy New Road that separates men from pub, out dashed this kitty cat from nowhere just as this car was zooming up the hill...well, a quick calculation in the darcy mind figured the cat was dead meat and I hoisted the young 'un up into my arms for a better look!

Sure enough there was a massive thump! and a screeeeeeetch of tires and the world went dead quiet before a cat shot out from under the car and dashed to safety on my side of the road and under the nearest parked car, well I say dashed, more like a sorta sideways hop, while the car, of course, sped off without stopping to see it the cat was alright. Bastard.

Well, there was pint with my name on it, so I didnae stop but made my way into the pub. After a pint of Kroni for me and a corolla for he, the smasher was bored so we left and as I passed the parked car I thought, I wonder if it's still there? So, down I go on all fours I go and sure enough, there it was, cowering and immune to my coaxing to come out. Home I went then to look up the vet ambulance number and call it I did. Back to the spot the cat was hiding to wait for the vet...waited...waited, in the cold, me dinner ruined...and then, lights flashing, horn blaring...ok...ok....along came this van and out popped the female vet, giving me a cold hard stare I have to say, obviously thinking, bastard! it's him that drove over the cat and now he's pretending it was someone else....It didnae help I was sorta slurring my words a little....due to the kroni and the cold, natch.

In no time though, the cat was out from under the car and I was giving the poor thing some mouth to mouth while the vet massaged it's kitty cat chest....and lo, I breathed life into the bloody thing and it was taken away for some intensive cat therapy no doubt. good thing was:

A:/ it didnae appear overly injured, so I hope we dragged out the right cat from under that parked car and that it wanase just some old flea bitten moggy....and
B:/ it had some name tags on it so could be reunited with it's owner.

How good did I feel afterwards though?...I feel this big I tell ya!! cats, I love 'em I do.

Can you hear me Nana?

False alarm...nothing doing....(sigh)

Christ, Thursday early evening TV get be a minefield of crap TV I tell ya. Take the other night for example, what’s it to be, DullEnders, ITV shite, channel4 news or some wank on BBC2? No way, not for me, so onto the Digital TV I venture, another Simpsons episode I’ve seen a millions times, M.A.S.H…more news?…kids TV jeeesus!…
But wait, what’s this on Living TV (the female orientated TV channel) 6th Sense with Colin Fry, psychic medium par excellence, who contacts dead people, with his “gift” live on air for sad-lonely-mad-women…

(Colin) What’s that Pat? You wanna say yir sorry for being a bad mother to Loraine all those years?…I’m sensing Loraine that yir mum was an Elsie Tanner type hatchet who chain smoked all her life…
(Loraine aka Mad Elsie Tanner type) Yes!! Yes it’s true she did n’all, she did!! Amazing!
(Colin) Yes, and I’m getting that she was a bad mother to you…
(Loraine aka Mad Elsie Tanner type) Er…yeah, yeah I suppose she was…
(Colin – shifting in his seat)…and that the year 1974 was important to you both..
(Loraine aka Mad Elsie Tanner type) 1974?
(Colin – losing it) Er, right then, well…I’ll leave yir mums love with you…

Cut away from Loraine, applause. Adverts. Fucking dim-witted women.

Fine wines and Belgian choc's...a winner....surely?

Lemme just check here…now let’s see…

Belgian Chocolates? – check.
Fine wines? – check.
Card? – check.
Chinky take-a-way? – Double check.
Girly weepy film? – Bloody check!…

What the fuck then?….all my careful planning, all the dosh I spent, feck the bath I took special like and for what? DAMNIT!…too tired, let’s do it tomorrow instead eh?...promise...tomorrow……shesh, wus a bloke to do? Notice, it’s now tomorrow and still no indication as to when battle will commence….(sigh)
Stand by, she's coming up the stairs as I write, I have a good feeling about this..

Valentines day

14.02.2004 – Ware. Morning.
(missus) Oh god, jeeezus yes! More, more…harder harder!…quicker…yes yes!!…oh, god yir so good, so generous in bed…that was fab love and thanks again for the choc’s and card; It’s so thoughtful of you and so right….you know most men get it all wrong this time of year, blowing money on expensive gifts, lingerie, meals out but girls actually only want some chocolates, a card and some rough, quick sex of a morning and you just totally understand that don’t you love?
(me) yes, yes I do
(missus) Hmmmm pass me the box, I love the dark ones…ooo they make me so horny. Somehow.
(me) well love, bite down on another, I’ll do you again. Brace yirself.
(missus) Wow, 5 times in a morning…god, I’m the luckiest girl alive…come get me tiger
(me) Grrr

13.02.2004 – Somewhere in North Finchely
As promised some updated bathroom shots…bloody plumber still cannae get the shower sorted, still only dribbles cold water…and the bog still leaks, but it’s coming on slowly…slowly…and one for the lay-dees, me in the bath...room

Right, I’m off to the paki’s to buy the missus some choc’s and a card. Fuckit.

I have commanded armies,
and conquered worlds

Remember the old Play Station advert?...no, neither do I, untill I watched BBC4's Timeshift program last night. It was all about the rise of the home PC, the Sinclair the Spectrum, you know, all that "I love 1978.." stuff and how Nintendo and Play Station came about. Fact, I've never played on any home gaming system...it's just not me somehow, I'm a couch potato as it is without switching to the game channel on me TV and spending the early hours getting cramp in me thumbs and...well....any-hoo....here's the txt to the advert, well, why not?

For years, I've led a double life.
In the day, I do my job - I ride the bus,
roll up my sleeves with the hoi-polloi.

But at night,
I live a life of exhilaration,
of missed heartbeats and adrenalin.

And,
if the truth be known,
a life of dubious virtue.

I won't deny it - I've been engaged in violence,
even indulged in it.

I've maimed and killed adversaries,
and not merely in self-defence.

I've exhibited disregard for life,
limb and property,
and savoured every moment.

You may not think it,
to look of me,
but I have commanded armies,
and conquered worlds.

And though in achieving these things I've set morality aside,
I have no regrets.

For though I've led a double life,
at least I can say - I've lived.

My response to my (once) best mate

fair enough gr*y, s'up to you of course. it's a shame though as i thought we had an ok day out, few beers, pool, a club and pizza home...nothing wrong with that, we're not old men, yet...hardly dragging you down to my level.

(edit)

i'm not finding it funny though, like i say s'up to you what you want to do and if you don't want to see me anymore then fine, you think we've nothing in common, fine, probably right, dunno...but don't blame me for the way you are and what you get up to.
The next time you're having a drink or chatting online to some bird, think about your note to me and try and work out how i'm doing this to you.
Have a good one.
S

(hahaha, shoulda remained a dignified silence of course, but fuck it, some people need to be told...any-hoo. closure.)

Attractive garden feature

You'd assume that if there's no blog there's not a lot to blog about right?...that my life is as dull as ditch water and I may as well give up the pretence of a life...well, you'd be right of course...and wrong, becasue like it or not, life, in all it's greyness, goes on...So then, what's new? Well...er....ahfuggit...who am I kidding?

Wait!! my bathroom, yes, that's right, THAT's what's been happening in my life lately...phew!!...nearly gave up there...So, the plumber called, cannae come Monday, but will be there on da dot Tuesday, fine says we, and he was true to his word, Tuesday 8:30 he shows up, Tuesday 10:30 he fecks off for the rest of the day, leaving us with one working sink to piss and shit in for the rest of the day. nice.

Wednesday he turns up again, tells the missus he cannae take away the old bathroom suite, time issues apparently...so we've buried the bath in the garden and now have an attractive garden pond, only we've lost the plug so the water drains outya it. fuckit. New suite looks good though, shame the power shower only chucks out cold water. and isn't very powerful. but in my book, you cannae have everything. All we have to do now, apart from smashing up the old suite into tiny weenie pieces and putting them into bin bags for the dustman to take away, is to re-tile the walls, put up the cabinets, wallpaper, put the new floor down and bath panels in. job done...or it would be if the missus got her finger out. Pictures to follow.

The other thing was, right, yesterday, crawling home in the car, traffic in front and behind me, narrow country road, traffic going the other way similar, me day dreaming...about my bathroom and how great it would be, when it's finished, if only the missus would get she finger out, when I see this car heading towards me!!...fucker I think! trying to squeeze through the gap between cars, but at his rate he's gonna hit me, so up on da curb i go, cursing his hide, only to see the old Bill chasing his erse, sirens going, lights flashing...all very exciting and I'm wishing I chickened the fucker instead of getting out of his way. Police commendation to follow, queens bravery award, media interviews, guest panellist on quiz shows...fuck I could've retired on it! lived the life of Reilly, boring everyone till I drop dead, with my daring deed....but no...I was taught to drive too well old chums, and like the rest of my pathetic life, I avoiding trouble...sigh...
Out tonight. Crosse Keys, Gracechurch Street, if anyone fancies me.